Sad and Unfocused Rambles of Negative Signs

Sad news this month...just like every month for the last 32 of them.  I don't know why I am still upset by it.  I guess I really had hope this time.  Even though we switched to an IUI cycle in the middle, I really thought that with 4 happy and fertile eggs sitting there waiting to be fertilized by 52 million sperm, that the odds really were ever in our favor.  I even worried that we might get pregnant with multiples.   Even my doctor thought this was going to be it but sadly, my uterus or God or the Devil have a giant middle finger pointed up and aimed in our direction.   My only solace after taking my negative tests for the past three days was knowing that we would start IVF all over again this month.  But, again, disappointments are very common in this process and I have leftover follicles or follicle shells floating around in my ovaries and I have to take a month or two off to let them chill out.  Exactly what the process of infertility needs;  more waiting.  I don't know if I have expressed to everyone how unbelievably frustrating the waiting game is when it comes to all of this.  I spend the first couple weeks of the month shooting up, incubating, and spreading my legs for multiple doctors, and then the second half of the month waiting...and waiting.  Lots of waiting.  And what do I have to look forward to but a big giant FU at the end of each cycle accompanied by a period that is 4 times as painful as the normal one (which wasn't particularly great to begin with).    I know what you're thinking..negative.  I am being negative.  I am.  I am so frustrated.  I am so upset.  I should look at the silver lining here but the only one I can see right now is that I can go get my teeth cleaned and have the one that has been a little irritating looked at without worry.  There's a nice positive thought.  I get to go to the dentist.  I may not have a baby, but I can have dental work done with proper anesthetic.  I also get to go back to working out hard again.  I know it won't really show on my body  but I can do it anyway.  

        I feel so stuck in this situation.  I am stagnated by it.  My entire life is focused around this thing and now I have to sit and wait for another month or two for my fricken ovaries to get on board.  I know it sounds dumb.  What's another couple of months at this point?   Well, I feel like I am missing out.  I'm expiring day by day.  My days are limited here and my time with this baby once it arrives is limited.  Every time it doesn't work, I feel like I'm missing out.  I'm missing him.  (Yeah, I am pretty sure I will have a boy.  Not sure why.  I just feel that way.)   Dar Williams has this song called I'll Miss you Until I Meet You and when I was single I would listen to it and think about finding a partner.  I went through good times and bad on the way, I kissed a lot of frogs, I did other things with lizards,  but eventually I found Maks and he was definitely worth the wait.  I know I should apply the same logic here but there is a part of me that wants to scream at the unfairness of it.   I didn't meet Maks until I was in my 30's.  I used protection for years in order to not bring a child into a non-permanent situation.  Is it really fair that after I finally found him, my eggs decide to go on strike?  I know life is not fair.  Lots of people have told me that throughout the years but I have looked around and life is often more fair for others then it is for some.  I'm sure some of my friends would curse me for being ungrateful for the privilege I have and to you I say, curse away.  I know I could have it worse.  I'm still upset by the fact that I could have it better too.  I think that for anyone who has a hard time in life.    I just read a story about a woman who starved her baby to death.  She was distracted by her pornography ring and meth addiction and she let her little baby that grew inside of her despite all she probably put it through in the womb, die.  Life is not fair.  It certainly wasn't for that little infant and whoever is making the decisions about where these souls land needs some serious google maps help.  I just wish she had knocked on my door.  I would have happily taken that little baby off her hands.  

     Like I said before, I'm upset.  I was really hopeful.  I was positive it would be positive.  I felt like he was on the train.  There was this movie in the 80's called Made in Heaven and in the movie, Timothy Hutton dies and goes to heaven where he meets Kelly Mcgilles and they fall in love.  She is a new soul that has never been to earth and as I recall, her number comes up.  Timothy Hutton is so upset by it that he makes the angel send him back down too and he spends his life trying to find her.  I haven't seen the movie since I was a kid but it was one of those things that left an impression.  When I hear Land of Hope and Dreams by Bruce Springsteen,  I imagine a place where all the old and new souls are together.   When your number comes up, you get on the train.    I figure my dad or one of my grandfathers are probably close to the little soul that is meant to find me.  Maybe Papa Don is holding his hand while my dad is pretending to kick him in the butt if he doesn't get on the train.  At least  I hope so.   And maybe he is not meant to come through me.  Maybe I need to find him and that's absolutely 100% fine with me.  I just want it to happen.  I really want to be a mom.  My mom is one of my favorite people in the world.  She was my first example of unconditional love.  That means so much to me when I look back at how it really was just us for a while.  My life would be so different if she had not been the amazing and loving mom that she was.  I want to be that for someone.  I also want her to have the chance to be an equally awesome grandmother.  Our time is limited.  But, for now, that limited time is at least another month shorter no matter what.  I suppose I will just try to stay positive...or get positive first and then stay that way.  Thanks for reading, friends.  I know it was a total rambled bit of negativity but sometimes lemons are all you have so you squeeze them into a pitcher full of vodka and add ice.  Because, hey, it's not like you're pregnant.   Cheers!