IVF/IUI - If it makes a baby, I'll give it a try.

Maks is very excited about the game of Doctor.  

    I am floored by the amount of support my friends and family have given in response to my first entry.  I am truly touched and grateful to all of you.   In response to that, I am going to start oversharing a little.  After all, what's the point of this if I don't "empty the tank" as my dad used to say.  He was referring to running but I think the sentiment rings true with emotions and I think he would have agreed (being the cry baby that he was.)

       I really appreciate all of you who wrote and asked me questions.  I feel like IVF is my full time job these days and I have taken it upon myself to geek out on it as much as possible in order to understand it.  So, just in case anyone is reading who didn't write and ask me questions but is questioning, I want you to know that this is my obsession right now and I have no boundaries (obviously).  In fact, we attended a class last week on how to give injections and in the handouts there was a section about protecting yourself emotionally during the process and how you may not want to tell too many people.  I completely respect that but like I said before, I tend to work better with the support of others...or the questions.  Just in case you're wondering, Maks and I have been tested for all the normal things and our current diagnoses is Unexplained Infertility.  That means what you think it means.  Sex is supposed to make babies.  I have eggs that ovulate and he has sperm that swim but sex is not making a baby.  That's why they started with IUI.  It's the most controlled way to make sure we are getting everyone to the party in tip top shape at the same time.   When that didn't work, we graduated to IVF.  The brief rundown on IVF is that we are still using all of our own parts but the embryos are being created artificially in a lab instead of in the body.  All of the drugs basically stimulate my ovaries to turn every follicle I have into a mature egg so that they can take them out of me and attempt to fertilize them all.  We then take the strongest of the created embryos and put them back inside me and continue with more injections while we wait to see if it takes (same as the regular folks).   The hope for me is to get 17 eggs and from there, the doctor thinks he can create 10 embryos.  He would then implant 1 or 2 depending on how strong they are.    I do find it strange to undergo such a big process when we don't even know what is wrong.   It feels a bit like getting a pacemaker in response to shortness of breath.   It's how they learn, though.  It's a great way to get up close and personal with your parts and see why embryos aren't developing or why they aren't lasting.  Well, in truth, they don't really ask a lot of why.  They just keep trying to get you pregnant using ways that have worked on others.  It is strange because I am constantly asking why.   That's the most frustrating and heartbreaking part of all of this.  I don't know why.  I have been at this for a while and spent a lot of time spread eagle on a lot of tables in front of a lot of doctors and all we know is that there is no reason.   I have heard a lot of people tell me to just relax and stop thinking about it because it will happen when the time is right.  Well, the time is right.  Also, telling a person undergoing fertility tests and treatments to not think about it is a bit like telling a contestant on the Biggest Loser not to think about her diet.   I know why people say that, though.  It's hard to know what to say.  What can you say?   It's a weird thing to talk about and there is no justice in why some people make babies easily and some don't.  Teenagers and drug addicts get pregnant for free on accident in the back of cars.  I have a friend who got pregnant with an IUD inside of her.  I have heard stories of people who underwent multiple IVF treatments and once they quit, they got pregnant.   All of these stories are wonderful and I don't mind hearing them but I also don't know how to respond.  It's pretty hard not being able to do something that I am biologically supposed to be able to do and the thought that I am killing my future children by hoping and praying for them is even more stressfull.   Also, we spent a year and a half not thinking about it.  We went on romantic vacations and relaxed and enjoyed one another.  At this point we are on a path that requires us to put some thought into it.   That's all we can do.  

         As for how we are doing, we got some interesting news this week.  I have been doing injections for about a week.  My stomach is totally bloated and I am having a hard time fitting into my fat jeans.  I haven't really had an appetite, which I don't mind.  By boobs are gigantic, which Maks doesn't mind.  The irritability isn't as bad as it was on Clomid, which is probably due to the fact that I am not having constant mood swings and hot flashes.  I much prefer the physical side effects of these drugs to the emotional ones of Clomid.  If stress is a contributing factor to our infertility, Clomid definitely does not help keep that low.   Anyway, after 5 days of it, I went in for an ultrasound and the doctor only found 4 maturing follicles.  That means that while I have 17 available follicles, I only have 4 that are maturing.  So, this is a big bummer.  I was worried it meant that we would have to scrap this cycle and start over but instead, we are turing it into an IUI cycle.  Four eggs are better then 2 so our chances are basically doubled this time around.  While I am ready to get this IVF show on the road,  I am also really hopeful that this works.  I feel good about this cycle and much more relaxed then usual.   It doesn't feel like as much work as it has in the past to stay positive. I don't know if that is from finally throwing my hands up and telling everyone about it or if it really is just the relief of not being on Clomid.  That is a crazy making drug.   In case you're wondering why we wouldn't go ahead with 4 follicles, its because IVF is insanely expensive.  We want to make sure we get as many eggs on the initial treatment as possible so that if the embryo doesn't implant, we have other embryos in the freezer that we can try.

So, yeah!  That is where we are this week.  Lots of pokes.  Maks is a master injection giver, though.  I suppose that's going to come in handy if we take up a heroin addiction.   No in all seriousness, the needles are not that bad.  Just a quick poke, a little burn, and it's over.  Similar to the way some babies are made naturally. (wink!) And I will leave with this final piece of good news.  In the past week, I have encountered two products that improved my life greatly.    I don't know if it's from my history with infomercial products, or just life experience but I don't often find things that really work on the black and white annoyances in life.  Well, this week I found a detangling brush that changed my hair and a mattress topper that took away the back pain I was waking up with.  I am therefore left with an overwhelming feeling that sometimes things do work and they just need a little help.  I didn't have to shave my head or throw out the mattress.   Maybe all of my personal parts just need a little help too.  Fingers crossed.