Sad and Unfocused Rambles of Negative Signs

Sad news this month...just like every month for the last 32 of them.  I don't know why I am still upset by it.  I guess I really had hope this time.  Even though we switched to an IUI cycle in the middle, I really thought that with 4 happy and fertile eggs sitting there waiting to be fertilized by 52 million sperm, that the odds really were ever in our favor.  I even worried that we might get pregnant with multiples.   Even my doctor thought this was going to be it but sadly, my uterus or God or the Devil have a giant middle finger pointed up and aimed in our direction.   My only solace after taking my negative tests for the past three days was knowing that we would start IVF all over again this month.  But, again, disappointments are very common in this process and I have leftover follicles or follicle shells floating around in my ovaries and I have to take a month or two off to let them chill out.  Exactly what the process of infertility needs;  more waiting.  I don't know if I have expressed to everyone how unbelievably frustrating the waiting game is when it comes to all of this.  I spend the first couple weeks of the month shooting up, incubating, and spreading my legs for multiple doctors, and then the second half of the month waiting...and waiting.  Lots of waiting.  And what do I have to look forward to but a big giant FU at the end of each cycle accompanied by a period that is 4 times as painful as the normal one (which wasn't particularly great to begin with).    I know what you're thinking..negative.  I am being negative.  I am.  I am so frustrated.  I am so upset.  I should look at the silver lining here but the only one I can see right now is that I can go get my teeth cleaned and have the one that has been a little irritating looked at without worry.  There's a nice positive thought.  I get to go to the dentist.  I may not have a baby, but I can have dental work done with proper anesthetic.  I also get to go back to working out hard again.  I know it won't really show on my body  but I can do it anyway.  

        I feel so stuck in this situation.  I am stagnated by it.  My entire life is focused around this thing and now I have to sit and wait for another month or two for my fricken ovaries to get on board.  I know it sounds dumb.  What's another couple of months at this point?   Well, I feel like I am missing out.  I'm expiring day by day.  My days are limited here and my time with this baby once it arrives is limited.  Every time it doesn't work, I feel like I'm missing out.  I'm missing him.  (Yeah, I am pretty sure I will have a boy.  Not sure why.  I just feel that way.)   Dar Williams has this song called I'll Miss you Until I Meet You and when I was single I would listen to it and think about finding a partner.  I went through good times and bad on the way, I kissed a lot of frogs, I did other things with lizards,  but eventually I found Maks and he was definitely worth the wait.  I know I should apply the same logic here but there is a part of me that wants to scream at the unfairness of it.   I didn't meet Maks until I was in my 30's.  I used protection for years in order to not bring a child into a non-permanent situation.  Is it really fair that after I finally found him, my eggs decide to go on strike?  I know life is not fair.  Lots of people have told me that throughout the years but I have looked around and life is often more fair for others then it is for some.  I'm sure some of my friends would curse me for being ungrateful for the privilege I have and to you I say, curse away.  I know I could have it worse.  I'm still upset by the fact that I could have it better too.  I think that for anyone who has a hard time in life.    I just read a story about a woman who starved her baby to death.  She was distracted by her pornography ring and meth addiction and she let her little baby that grew inside of her despite all she probably put it through in the womb, die.  Life is not fair.  It certainly wasn't for that little infant and whoever is making the decisions about where these souls land needs some serious google maps help.  I just wish she had knocked on my door.  I would have happily taken that little baby off her hands.  

     Like I said before, I'm upset.  I was really hopeful.  I was positive it would be positive.  I felt like he was on the train.  There was this movie in the 80's called Made in Heaven and in the movie, Timothy Hutton dies and goes to heaven where he meets Kelly Mcgilles and they fall in love.  She is a new soul that has never been to earth and as I recall, her number comes up.  Timothy Hutton is so upset by it that he makes the angel send him back down too and he spends his life trying to find her.  I haven't seen the movie since I was a kid but it was one of those things that left an impression.  When I hear Land of Hope and Dreams by Bruce Springsteen,  I imagine a place where all the old and new souls are together.   When your number comes up, you get on the train.    I figure my dad or one of my grandfathers are probably close to the little soul that is meant to find me.  Maybe Papa Don is holding his hand while my dad is pretending to kick him in the butt if he doesn't get on the train.  At least  I hope so.   And maybe he is not meant to come through me.  Maybe I need to find him and that's absolutely 100% fine with me.  I just want it to happen.  I really want to be a mom.  My mom is one of my favorite people in the world.  She was my first example of unconditional love.  That means so much to me when I look back at how it really was just us for a while.  My life would be so different if she had not been the amazing and loving mom that she was.  I want to be that for someone.  I also want her to have the chance to be an equally awesome grandmother.  Our time is limited.  But, for now, that limited time is at least another month shorter no matter what.  I suppose I will just try to stay positive...or get positive first and then stay that way.  Thanks for reading, friends.  I know it was a total rambled bit of negativity but sometimes lemons are all you have so you squeeze them into a pitcher full of vodka and add ice.  Because, hey, it's not like you're pregnant.   Cheers!

     

IVF/IUI - If it makes a baby, I'll give it a try.

Maks is very excited about the game of Doctor.  

    I am floored by the amount of support my friends and family have given in response to my first entry.  I am truly touched and grateful to all of you.   In response to that, I am going to start oversharing a little.  After all, what's the point of this if I don't "empty the tank" as my dad used to say.  He was referring to running but I think the sentiment rings true with emotions and I think he would have agreed (being the cry baby that he was.)

       I really appreciate all of you who wrote and asked me questions.  I feel like IVF is my full time job these days and I have taken it upon myself to geek out on it as much as possible in order to understand it.  So, just in case anyone is reading who didn't write and ask me questions but is questioning, I want you to know that this is my obsession right now and I have no boundaries (obviously).  In fact, we attended a class last week on how to give injections and in the handouts there was a section about protecting yourself emotionally during the process and how you may not want to tell too many people.  I completely respect that but like I said before, I tend to work better with the support of others...or the questions.  Just in case you're wondering, Maks and I have been tested for all the normal things and our current diagnoses is Unexplained Infertility.  That means what you think it means.  Sex is supposed to make babies.  I have eggs that ovulate and he has sperm that swim but sex is not making a baby.  That's why they started with IUI.  It's the most controlled way to make sure we are getting everyone to the party in tip top shape at the same time.   When that didn't work, we graduated to IVF.  The brief rundown on IVF is that we are still using all of our own parts but the embryos are being created artificially in a lab instead of in the body.  All of the drugs basically stimulate my ovaries to turn every follicle I have into a mature egg so that they can take them out of me and attempt to fertilize them all.  We then take the strongest of the created embryos and put them back inside me and continue with more injections while we wait to see if it takes (same as the regular folks).   The hope for me is to get 17 eggs and from there, the doctor thinks he can create 10 embryos.  He would then implant 1 or 2 depending on how strong they are.    I do find it strange to undergo such a big process when we don't even know what is wrong.   It feels a bit like getting a pacemaker in response to shortness of breath.   It's how they learn, though.  It's a great way to get up close and personal with your parts and see why embryos aren't developing or why they aren't lasting.  Well, in truth, they don't really ask a lot of why.  They just keep trying to get you pregnant using ways that have worked on others.  It is strange because I am constantly asking why.   That's the most frustrating and heartbreaking part of all of this.  I don't know why.  I have been at this for a while and spent a lot of time spread eagle on a lot of tables in front of a lot of doctors and all we know is that there is no reason.   I have heard a lot of people tell me to just relax and stop thinking about it because it will happen when the time is right.  Well, the time is right.  Also, telling a person undergoing fertility tests and treatments to not think about it is a bit like telling a contestant on the Biggest Loser not to think about her diet.   I know why people say that, though.  It's hard to know what to say.  What can you say?   It's a weird thing to talk about and there is no justice in why some people make babies easily and some don't.  Teenagers and drug addicts get pregnant for free on accident in the back of cars.  I have a friend who got pregnant with an IUD inside of her.  I have heard stories of people who underwent multiple IVF treatments and once they quit, they got pregnant.   All of these stories are wonderful and I don't mind hearing them but I also don't know how to respond.  It's pretty hard not being able to do something that I am biologically supposed to be able to do and the thought that I am killing my future children by hoping and praying for them is even more stressfull.   Also, we spent a year and a half not thinking about it.  We went on romantic vacations and relaxed and enjoyed one another.  At this point we are on a path that requires us to put some thought into it.   That's all we can do.  

         As for how we are doing, we got some interesting news this week.  I have been doing injections for about a week.  My stomach is totally bloated and I am having a hard time fitting into my fat jeans.  I haven't really had an appetite, which I don't mind.  By boobs are gigantic, which Maks doesn't mind.  The irritability isn't as bad as it was on Clomid, which is probably due to the fact that I am not having constant mood swings and hot flashes.  I much prefer the physical side effects of these drugs to the emotional ones of Clomid.  If stress is a contributing factor to our infertility, Clomid definitely does not help keep that low.   Anyway, after 5 days of it, I went in for an ultrasound and the doctor only found 4 maturing follicles.  That means that while I have 17 available follicles, I only have 4 that are maturing.  So, this is a big bummer.  I was worried it meant that we would have to scrap this cycle and start over but instead, we are turing it into an IUI cycle.  Four eggs are better then 2 so our chances are basically doubled this time around.  While I am ready to get this IVF show on the road,  I am also really hopeful that this works.  I feel good about this cycle and much more relaxed then usual.   It doesn't feel like as much work as it has in the past to stay positive. I don't know if that is from finally throwing my hands up and telling everyone about it or if it really is just the relief of not being on Clomid.  That is a crazy making drug.   In case you're wondering why we wouldn't go ahead with 4 follicles, its because IVF is insanely expensive.  We want to make sure we get as many eggs on the initial treatment as possible so that if the embryo doesn't implant, we have other embryos in the freezer that we can try.

So, yeah!  That is where we are this week.  Lots of pokes.  Maks is a master injection giver, though.  I suppose that's going to come in handy if we take up a heroin addiction.   No in all seriousness, the needles are not that bad.  Just a quick poke, a little burn, and it's over.  Similar to the way some babies are made naturally. (wink!) And I will leave with this final piece of good news.  In the past week, I have encountered two products that improved my life greatly.    I don't know if it's from my history with infomercial products, or just life experience but I don't often find things that really work on the black and white annoyances in life.  Well, this week I found a detangling brush that changed my hair and a mattress topper that took away the back pain I was waking up with.  I am therefore left with an overwhelming feeling that sometimes things do work and they just need a little help.  I didn't have to shave my head or throw out the mattress.   Maybe all of my personal parts just need a little help too.  Fingers crossed.