An Eggstravagant Egg Hunt Indeed!!

   Well, it's been a while.  I have now received two messages asking how things are and I figure it is time to get back on the blogosphere and update the world on the inner workings of my inner parts.  Where to begin...again?  I guess I should tell you that taking a month off was actually not that bad.  It had been 7 months since I had spent a month without hormones being pumped into me in one way or another and it was actually quite nice to remember that I am not crazy, my body temperature doesn't actually fluctuate that dramatically on its own and exercise can be enjoyable when you're not super exhausted and bloated.  I enjoyed some wine with friends, some needed dental work and even had a little stress free non baby-making intimate time with the hubs.  All in all, it was a pretty nice break from baby-making.
     
      That being said, we are actually smack dab back in the middle of a new IVF cycle and the good news is that we are actually moving forward with this one.  I started my injections about 10 days ago with a double dose compared to last time.  This created quite a bit more side effects (both emotional and physical) but I suppose that is just par for the course.    Last week was a bit of a roller coaster because my Antral Follicle count was much lower then expected. (These are the follicles that you recruit each month to hopefully make one egg with.  During IVF you grow all of them if possible so a higher number is better because it ups your chances of a successful cycle.)  I was hoping to have about 16 follicles to grow and only had 9 which lead me into a huge tailspin of depression and anxiety that I might be losing follicles at such a dramatic rate as to start menopause in July.  The internet is scary.  We then went to the doctor again on Wednesday and learned that only 6 were growing.  This was very disheartening and although I had been trying to get hold of my doctor for a few days, I had not heard a response so I did more internet research and really started to lose my mind.   Finally my nurse called to tell me that the doctor was in fact concerned with the number and had me come in again on Friday.  On Friday, the doctor actually found 9 growing which made me feel a lot better and my personal doctor actually came in at the end to check in on us.  UCSF doctors work on a rotation so I don't actually get to see my doctor all that often and it's really frustrating when everything is time sensitive and expensive.  My feeling is that I wake myself up at the butt crack of dawn to drive through 2 hours of bay area rush hour traffic to get to that doctor and I think the least that could happen is that my doctor actually be there.  However, UCSF has a different philosophy and as frustrating as the hamster wheel is, I am on it so I just have to keep running.  On that note, though, I think it is important to say that I really like my doctor.  Whenever I actually do have an appointment with him, I feel so much better.  I ask a lot of questions and it really puts me at ease to be able to just ask them all right there.  So, since my doctor was there on Friday, I asked lots of questions and he decided that we should move forward with the 9 eggs.   It was a very positive experience and actually revived my ability to even try to think positively about this entire process.   Today, however , the easter egg hunt only yielded 7 eggs so 7 is the number.   While that sounds like a good number,  each process lowers the count so the likelihood with 7 eggs is that they retrieve 5 and we hopefully end up with 3 embryos.   I know that many have said that you only need one but while that sounds true, it's not. You need more because another frustrating part of this process is that we don't actually know where things are going wrong.   If the problem is with implantation or hatching then we need other strong embryos in frozen storage so we can try other things.    It's a very deep rabbit hole of what can go wrong and once you really start to look at it you wonder how anyone gets pregnant ever.   However, this is our time.  Tuesday is the big day.   They will put me to sleep and take out my eggs while my husband goes to another room and produces into a cup.   Seriously, this process is so hard on the man.

The beginning nightly dose.  Not so bad at that point.

      So, those are the stats of what is actually going on in my body.  The real stuff however is up in my head.  There is so much waiting and wondering and waiting and waiting.    The only consolation is that the drugs I am taking exhaust me beyond belief so I don't really have the energy to be as anxious as I want to be. Don't get me wrong, though.  I am still a head case.  I suppose the hardest thing is to "stay positive".  I hate this advice.  I understand where it comes from and I understand the reasoning behind the advice but I also feel like I would have to be an idiot to only think positive.  I have educated myself a lot on this process and when the numbers come back lower then expected, I am smart enough to know what that does for our chances.  That is not to say that I give up my faith.  It is just a realistic way of looking at it.  It actually reminds me of when I was in college and had to do this sequence of turns in Cinderella.  I was right in the front leading all of the fairies in this turn sequence that was so difficult for me.  In fact,  the director stopped a rehearsal to yell at me for how I was ruining the entire act by not hitting those turns.  He said "Just visualize yourself doing the goddamn turns and do them right."  That was his big advice.  Just see it and do it.  It wasn't until I was in the practice room with the girl playing Cinderella.  She watched me and after only one sequence told me to push down with my arms in order to keep my back steady.  With that one technical bit of advice, I was able to do the turns.  From then on I could visualize myself doing the turns and do them.  I couldn't when I was blind, though.  I just kept falling out of them with no real understanding of what was happening.  That's how I feel when people tell me to just think positively.  I feel blind and out of control.  I need something to cling to.   I can know that 7 eggs means the likelihood of 3 embryos at best and be disappointed by that but still hope for all 7 to fertilize.  It's maybe not the most attractive way to look at it but it's what I can do.

       My brain is also flooding with all the fears that every mom to be has.  I fear not being healthy enough to carry the baby and having a miscarriage.  I fear losing the baby during childbirth.  I fear that the baby won't be healthy because I am too old to be doing this.   I fear a lot of things on top of just getting pregnant.  I try to talk myself down but it's a difficult road when you're pumped full of hormones.   But I recently spent an evening babysitting for a baby that screamed at me for hours.  I am not saying she cried, I am saying that she whaled.  She was so upset that I was not her mom and it felt like there was no way on earth I would ever calm her down.  I was so frustrated and started to beat myself up with thoughts that I can't do it and I will be a terrible mother.  It wasn't the most enjoyable time of my life.   Every time I tried to do what I thought the babies mom would do, I failed.  It was only when I did what I thought would work for me that I was able to calm her (and me) down.  I strapped her to me in her Bjorn and took her for walk outside.  I swayed and sang Joni Mitchell songs until she fell asleep.  It took a while but it worked.    I don't think I have ever felt more accomplished in my life then I did when I finally felt her heavy little head hit my chest.  I think that taught me a lot in just a little bit of time.   It's so important to listen to myself.  It's especially important when everything feels so loud and out of control.  Somewhere inside of me, my body knows how to do this.  Somewhere beneath all of that fear and anxiety is someone who can be a good mom.  I just have to trust myself.   I have to ask a lot of questions.  I have to relish in the positive moments and I even have to wallow in the sad ones.  It's the way I stay most true to myself and at this point that is what feels right.

       I have so much more to say but I sort of feel like this is a good place to stop for now.  I don't want to over do it with one post considering I will probably be posting a lot this week since this is the big week.  I feel like I am heading into a week of production.  I suppose I am in a way.  A week of reproduction to be exact.   Happy egg hunting, friends!   I have really enjoyed seeing the many posts from my friends with kiddos in their best easter outfits.  Those are the images I cling to.  Keep me in your thoughts on Tuesday if you have a chance.   Maybe eat some eggs for breakfast and send me your good vibes while you do.  I think that sounds like a very healthy way for you to show your support.  Tuesday Egg Day!!  Mark your calendars!  Thank you in advance for all your love and support.  My future embryos thank you as well.