I have always been a cry baby. Crying has always been a thing about me that I hated but also had to come to accept about myself because as hard as I have tried to be better about not crying, I have just never been successful at it. As a society, we look down on crying. We see it as a sign of weakness or hysteria, especially in women. We praise women who keep calm under pressure and show no sign of emotion. We love characters in movies or on television who keep their crying in check only to hold it in long enough to get somewhere private where they can really let loose. So, while crying is often portrayed as something akin to using the bathroom, something that makes you uncomfortable but you can hold it in long enough to get somewhere private, I have always felt it compared more to sweating, something that happens when you get a little too uncomfortable and it can show up at any time in any place for any reason. I have always been really ashamed of it too. I have cried at work, I have cried in public, I even cried when a police officer gave me a fix-it ticket for my tail light. Ridiculous behavior!!! In all of those scenarios, though, I wasn't forcing it. If anything, I was trying my hardest not to cry. It was only recently when I heard an interview with Kristen Bell who spoke about how she cries if she doesn't stay between a 3 and a 7. That means that anything on the sad level below 3 and on the happy level above 7 will make her cry. She shared a funny moment of her crying over a sloth coming to her birthday party and everybody laughed, including me. I shouldn't have, though. I am exactly the same way. In fact, I am probably closer to a 4-6 range normally. And now, with the pregnancy hormones, the added injected hormones and the anxiety about first trimester and whether I should do an amniocentesis (due to my advanced maternal age) let's just say that if I am not rocking a steady 5, I am probably in tears. I have made a lot of tears recently. While I know it is normal to be emotional during pregnancy and that I am not experiencing anything new, it certainly is worth mentioning. Everything is heightened and just a little more difficult. I am right on the verge of tears at any given moment. I even sometimes think I am about to throw up from morning sickness when instead I just break down crying.
I am about to be 8 weeks pregnant in 2 days and to even say the words, "I'm pregnant" feels like a dare. I seriously feel like I am standing on super thin ice with this whole deal and at any given moment it can all be lost. Every cramp or twinge I feel, which is quite often, makes me feel like I am going to miscarry. I am terrified. I just feel like we tried so hard to get pregnant and to be fair we should be able to stay pregnant now that we made it this far. Yes, I know that life does not work that way but don't you sometimes wish it did? I guess that's why it is so nerve wracking. Just because we had trouble getting pregnant doesn't mean we will have trouble staying pregnant. Just because I am 35 doesn't mean my child will have chromosomal defects. But, it does increase the chances as far as the statistics go and boy do I ever hate statistics. I had a horrible statistics professor in college. I didn't think I could hate that word more then I did back then...until now. There is nothing worse then pregnancy statistics. It's a constant threat level on your head and the doctors throw numbers out as often as the internet does. It doesn't necessarily help the anxiety and worry. So, what do I do with all this anxiety inside of me? I was told not to exercise too much and that is usually a great stress relief for me. However, to modify I have been walking and swimming and once the nausea eases up, I have found a prenatal yoga class to attend. I think that will really help. The statistics on the evil internet have made me really worried about my weight because I am already big and bigger then usual because of the IVF weight. I have also found that morning sickness is similar to hangovers and tends to be soothed by cheeseburgers. This is not good. I wanted to be one of those women who didn't eat for three months. No such luck there. Instead, I am more hungry then I have ever been in my life. And when I am hungry, the nausea is so much worse. I am going to have to get a lot better about nutrition. There really is so much to think about. So much to consider and I haven't even gotten into all there is to research on parenting styles. I know that it feels like because I went through IVF, I should be all smiles and gratitude now that it worked. I am certainly grateful and excited but I am just as nervous as any expecting mother. Maybe I shouldn't be? Maybe I should just be happy we made it this far? I am not sure. There is nothing to be sure about. I just want what every expecting mother wants, a perfect pregnancy with a perfect baby at the end. Is that too much to ask?
So, to sum up, I cry a lot these days, my thoughts are all over the place, and I am super nervous. I am really excited too. Maybe I am weak and full of hysteria. Maybe my kid will be too. Then again, maybe crying is not so bad. It always makes me feel better then I did the moment before I cried. It's certainly better then that horrible feeling you get when you try to swallow it down and it feels like a rock in your gut. Anyway, I don't have room for rocks in my belly right now anyway. I have a raspberry in there...a very important hormone secreting raspberry trying to fix the drought in California with its mother's tears, that I love more then any other thing on the planet. My cousin recently told me that she tends to just trust the world. She really does too. I never thought about her that way but once she said it, I reflected back on her difficult moments in her life and realized that she has an amazing ability to just trust that things will work out and to tell the truth, they have. I really should take a few pages out of her book. Life doesn't have a check and balance system but maybe there is a way to just trust that it will work out if I just keep moving forward. Breathe in, breathe out, repeat. Worth a shot.
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